During the spring 2021 semester, while attending Rutgers University from my dining room table (I enjoy the view more than from my desk), I began to experience some lower back pain that felt like a flare up from an injury that occurred whilst running hill sprints Thanksgiving weekend 2019. The day after those hill sprints, I felt pain in my lower back, around my hips, and in my groin. I later found out that I was experiencing SI joint inflammation. Fast forward to around April this year, the lower back, hip, and groin pain that I was feeling began to move down my left leg. In May, x-rays and an MRI showed that I have two herniated discs and a pinched nerve, causing sciatic pain.
After taking classes Fall 2019, Spring 2020, Summer 2020, Fall 2020, and Spring 2021, I had been really looking forward to a break this summer to get out into nature, work on my running, start hiking locally, to just slow down and experience the beauty all around me. My body apparently had other plans. To say that I have felt frustration, sadness, anger, and confusion these last few months would not illustrate the depth and range of pain and emotions that this injury has brought on, besides just the physical pain.
I am learning and hopefully healing from this injury everyday! What am I learning? Keep reading :)
1. To Move It or Lose It!
Apparently, keeping my core, and for that matter my whole body, strong could have helped me to avoid my current situation. Between the November 2019 injury and all the 2020 craziness, on top of my schoolwork, I let my newfound fitness fall apart. During school semesters, I often find myself sitting at my desk or the table for very long periods of time without getting up, aside from bathroom breaks and to refill my water jar. I know that I should get up and move my body, but my perfectionist brain does not let me stop doing my homework. Sitting too much is not great in general. Sitting all day and into the night, hunched over books and my laptop, while slacking on exercise, and feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, definitely all contributed to the state of my body today.
Moving the body is not only good for the body, it is good for the brain. The compound BDNF, brain-derived neurotrophic factor, which helps brain function, is stimulated by exercise. Not only will moving the body help keep it strong to decrease the risk of injury, it will promote better brain function, which is important for everyone, not just students!
2. To Prioritize My Wellness!
When left to my own devices, I know that I will stay at my computer all day. If going for a run or doing a yoga class is just an idea, I will lose track of time and keep working. I need to schedule time for my body and mind and follow through with it! Although I am currently injured, my body is strong in so many ways. It supports me everyday, all day; I need to make time to support it going forward. While I am learning and studying, I view breaks as time lost, when I should be considering them as learning tools and something I deserve.
Meditation, yoga, cardio, and resistance training can not only help to build a strong body, they can help with stress relief and the learning process. Blocking out an hour a day to focus on our bodies and minds, our true home, is something each of us deserves!
3. To Have Patience!
As a person who appreciates instant gratification in many situations (anyone else?), this injury is teaching me that I need to be patient with myself and the healing process. Unlike the 2019 hill sprints weekend, I cannot pinpoint any one moment that triggered my current pain, it seemed to come on slowly. Just like a person trying to take off weight that they put on over years, being better served by doing so gradually, an injury that was brought on over time will likely take time to heal. Unfortunately, I am not a wizard, nor do I have genie in a bottle to grant me a wish, so I will need to allow my body time and put in the work to help it get better, but not push myself too much or be too hard on myself when things do not turn around as quickly as I would like! Patience is truly a virtue.
4. To Make Time For Sleep, Rest, & Recovery!
I have always had a hard time falling asleep and even allowing myself time for proper rest while awake. I have realized that I need to prioritize sleep, especially when trying to heal my body. This is something that I neglect during school semesters also. Staring at screens is not real rest either. I can watch television or my phone for hours and not feel rested. It is not only our bodies that need the rest, but also our brains.
I am trying to become more consistent with relaxation and stress relief techniques I am familiar with, as well as try new things, including meditation, yoga, guided relaxation exercises, journaling, NSDR (non-sleep deep rest), yoga nidra, and reading. This is especially important to me right now as I am unable to take walks, run, spin, or do much with this spine issue, which has lead me to feel sad and fearful at times. It is as though my body is begging me to rest and recovery by not letting me move much without intense pain. Injuries are not only physically painful, but they tend to cause emotional pain too. This one has completely changed my day-to-day life. Practicing stress relief and relaxation techniques are two steps toward good rest and sleep, both important roads along my journey to recovery!
5. Not To Feel Guilty About Things I Cannot Control!
I feel like ever since the pain got so bad that it started limiting my mobility and ability to complete regular tasks around the house or outside of the house, I have been saying, "I'm sorry" very often! Anderson, my fiancé, continues to tell me to take it easy and let him help or take care of things for me, but that makes me feel more guilty. Although I intended on taking this summer off of Rutgers classes, I had so many other things planned - inside the house, outside the house, for my befittwell brand, fitness related, and socially with friends and family. Not only have most of those plans withered away, some days I have a hard time even making myself a bowl of oats in the morning. I feel bad that I am letting this time slip away from me. I feel bad that I am not able to get outside and walk, run, hike, meet up with family and friends. I feel bad that I am giving Anderson more work (although he continues to be amazing about it). For all of these reasons and more, I have been feeling so guilty about this injury. I am not even sure how or when it happened, nor do I know when it will get better. More guilt.
I cannot control any of this though. I did not cause my injury by preforming a crazy stunt or doing something careless, it just happened, overtime mostly likely. Guilt is one thing that I always need to work on. I am happiest when I am free to do what I need to do, what I want to do, when I can take care of myself, my love, and our house. I still feel guilty, everyday, but I am working on making peace with the fact that I cannot control this, and so, it is not my fault and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I help where and when I can, which sometimes causes more pain, but it makes me feel better mentally :)
I consider myself a lifelong student, God willing, whether that be in a classroom or out in real life, I hope to keep learning forever! This injury is teaching me about my body, my mind, my relationships, and life in general. I hope to keep learning, but also hope this pain eases up and dissipates soon!
Have you experienced a similar injury, similar mental struggle, or something totally different to my story shared here? Please, feel free to leave a comment! I would love to connect with people going through something like this and with people going through something different than this :)
Also, if you have any questions about any of the topics I mentioned, like NSDR or BDNF, please reach out!
If you feel more comfortable reaching out in private, you can email me at befittwell@gmail.com
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